I'm In The Business of Misery
by RazorKisses
Summary: I never knew I could feel this good, but when I'm with him everything else seems to disappear and I'm actually happy. I've never felt this way about anybody before...
1. For A Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic

I know this chapter is short but it is just an introduction…

**The First Kiss**

It was the first day back to school after detention, and I couldn't wait to see the look on my friend's face when they saw me walking hand in hand with none other than the infamous Sean Cameron. It took a lot of willpower, but I kept my mouth shut and did not allow myself to spill the secrets of detention to Marco and Ashley over the weekend.

"Hey," Sean said, joining me by my locker. I looked at him and my heart sped up. I wasn't used to these kind of feelings. With Marco, I loved him but it was more of a brother sister relationship even before I found out that he was gay. I had had small crushes on other guys but having a boyfriend was never really a priority for me.

"Hi." I rolled my eyes at myself, why was I acting so shy all of a sudden? And why were we talking in one-word sentences? Was I intimidate by a boy? I blushed and turned slightly away from him, grabbing my books from my locker. He smirked and continued to stare at me with his intense eyes. "What?" I asked, not being able to hold back a smile.

"Nothing, it's just that you're cute when you're nervous." I looked at him to see if he was serious, and he definitely was. I smiled nervously and tucked a piece of my red hair behind my ear. "So, you want to hang out tonight? I can stop over or we can hang at my place, it doesn't matter."

"Um, yeah sure. That would be great." Ugh, why was I acting so stupidly? It was like whenever Sean was around, I suddenly clammed up and my heart raced. "I could come over tonight for awhile." Great, so I could embarrass myself even more? I heard the bell ring and looked around, realizing the halls were empty and I was late for class again. "Great, another tardy right after coming back from detention. This is a real good start to the week."

I laughed, starting to walk towards my class but Sean grabbed my arm gently and pulled me back towards him. I looked at him strangely but before I could say anything, his lips met mine. And although it sounds completely cliché, it was special. This was my first real kiss, not counting the two that Marco and I had shared.

"Alright, uh I guess I'll see you tonight." I smiled as we pulled away from one another. This was definitely something I could get used to.


	2. That's What You Get

-1"I'm trying, mom!" I screamed, mascara tears streaming my face. No matter what I did, nothing was ever good enough for her. I could win a Grammy and she'd ask why I didn't win the Nobel Peace Prize. What had I done this time? I forgot to pick up her takeout order after school, something I really should have remembered on top of everything else I had to do. I mean, it should have been my top priority over going to a meeting with Sauvé after school and after being preached at by Mr. Armstrong for failing math. I watched as she grabbed her vodka bottle again and collapsed onto the couch.

"All I ask you to do is to remember one thing, Eleanor. After all I've done for you and you can't even do one thing for me!" She rambled, grabbing her cigarettes off of the table next to her. I crossed my arms over my chest defensively, how could she think that I don't do things for her? I devoted half of my life to looking after her, to make sure she didn't do something stupid while she was drunk. I cleaned up the mess of vodka bottles and cigarette butts every night. I did the shopping and money management for us. I was doing everything that she refused to do and yet she could lay in front of me and say that I did nothing.

"Look, I know you miss dad but so do I. Don't take it out on me!" I said, and immediately wished I could take it back. How stupid was I to bring him into this? If I'd learned one thing over the time that dad had been gone it was to not bring him up, not even to mention his name in the house. She looked up at me for a split second before kicking the table in front of her over, vodka bottles shattering everywhere. I jumped and covered my mouth with my hand, knowing I'd set her off. "I'm sorry." I said hardly above a whisper as I hurried to clean up the mess. Sounds of her sobbing quickly filled the room, she didn't waste a second though to grab one of the unbroken bottles of vodka from the floor and put it to her lips. "I'll make us some supper, okay? Or I could go and get us that takeout that you ordered; whatever you want." I picked up the biggest pieces of the bottle and waited for her to answer me but she just turned away from me on the couch.

I sighed, the sad part was that I cared. I really truly cared if I upset her, because she was the only thing that I had left. She was the only person in the world that actually needed me. Without her, I would be nothing. I shook my head, disappointed in myself and hurried to the kitchen, throwing the pieces of broken glass in the trash. I started to walk away but paused, turning back to the wastebasket. I opened it and grabbed one of the pieces of glass and ran my finger along the edge of it. Somehow, it was comforting to just hold it. Not as comforting as it would be to make myself bleed with it. To make myself hurt like I'd just hurt my mother. I swallowed hard and pulled up my sleeve, admiring the fact that I only had one fresh cut on my arm from a couple of days ago. The rubber bands that Sauvé had given me were kind of working, to my surprise. Not this time though, the voice in my head screamed for me to stop but hearing my mother still crying from the other room was louder, it was telling me to do it. Not literally of course, but hearing her hurt so badly made me want me to feel pain as well. I pressed it above my wrist and slid it upwards, sighing with relieve. I was in ecstasy for a few seconds, but I needed to do one more, so I did. And then one more, and before I realized it I had four new cuts on my arm. I squeezed the piece of glass in my hand in anger and began crying as blood ran down my arm and from my hand as I dropped the bloodstained glass back in the garbage.

"I hate you." I cried to myself, grabbing the kitchen towel off of the counter and pressing it against my hand and arm. Once I had my arm and hand cleaned, I began making supper for my mother and I. I made our favorite, spaghetti. Or, I thought it was our favorite. When I was little we used to eat it all of the time because my parents loved watching me try and slurp the noodles off of my plate. I smiled just thinking about it and walked back into the living room, plates in hand. I sat the table back upright and set our plates on it, gently touching my mother's shoulder to make her look at me. "Mom, supper is ready." I sighed as I realized that she had passed out for the night, it was no use waking her either; she would be throwing up as soon as she woke up and saw food in front of her. I grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch and covered her up, placing a kiss on her forehead before retreating to my room. I jumped and hurried for the door as the doorbell rang. Shit, I had totally forgotten about my date with Sean. I opened the door partially, hoping he's get the hint that he wasn't invited in.

"Hey, you ready?" He asked, smirking at me. I bit my lip and looked back at my mother on the couch, contemplating whether or not to leave her alone. I looked back at Sean and realized I couldn't say no. Besides, she was asleep for the night, it wasn't like she was going to do anything stupid while she was passed out.

"Uh, yeah. Let me grab my jacket quick and I'll meet you in your car." I said, not waiting for an answer. I shut the door in his face and grabbed a pen and paper and scribbled a note for my mother, just in case she did for any reason wake up. 'Mom, had to go to Ashley's. Be back soon, love El.' I slipped on my jacket and hurried out to Sean's car where he was waiting. He had some kind of shitty rap music on and I gave him a weird look. "You mean to tell me that there are people out there that actually listen to this kind of music?" I laughed, covering my ears. "I think my ears are bleeding."

"Hey, don't be putting D12 down, they're good." Sean laughed, turning the music up even louder.

"Yeah, they are really good. All of those rappers walk around with their pants half way down their ass, thinking they are all tough and bad but really it's just one big joke. Eminem is probably a baby in real life, but he can't show it or he'd hurt his image." I laughed again, seeing Sean's shocked face. He couldn't seriously like this kind of music, could he?

"Oh yeah? Well what kind of music do you consider good then? Brittany Spears or something?" He asked defensively. My mouth dropped in shock that he had actually asked me that. Did I look like the kind of girl who listened to Brittany Spears?

"You've got to be kidding me. I rather dig my eyes out with a spoon than listen to her. No, good music is like The Used or Thirty Seconds To Mars or Papa Roach, those kind of bands. Oh, and Evanescence has a few good songs, a little morbid sure but still good." I smiled, turning down the music.

"Yeah, sure those are great bands if you want to listen to depressing music. But if you want to listen to some real music, listen to this stuff." He said as well pulled into his driveway.

"Yeah, and listening to music about some guy killing another guy in a rap is so much more interesting." I teased, getting out of the car. He shrugged and led me into his house, it was the first time I'd ever been over and it was different from what I had expected.

"Okay, fine truce on the music thing. So, welcome to the Cameron Inn, this is it." He said, showing me around his house. "Oh, and this is Tracker, my brother…who was just leaving." Sean hinted to his brother who was eating a bowl of cereal. Tracker rolled his eyes and dropped his spoon, heading for the door.

"Nice to meet you, I guess my brother says I'm leaving though, sorry I can't stay. You kids behave now." Tracker joked as he walked out of the house.

"Well, that is basically the tour so what do you want to do now? Watch movies or something? We don't have much to choose from but it's something to do." Sean said, flipping the television on as he plopped down on the couch, pulling me on top of him. I giggled and scooted close to him as he turned off the lights. "So, what do your friends think? You dating Degrassi's bad boy and all?" He asked as I leaned my head on his shoulder. Suddenly, I wasn't shy around Sean anymore. It felt as if I'd known him forever.

"I didn't know I was dating Jay." I laughed, sticking my tongue out at him. He dropped him mouth in mock hurt and pushed me down against the couch jokingly and held me there, leaning in for a kiss which I gladly accepted. As we pulled away, he took my hands in his and pulled me back up to a sitting position. "Ow!" I winced, grabbing my hand back from him. I examined my hand and remember I had accidentally cut it while I was in the kitchen.

"Sorry, did I hurt you?" He asked, trying to see what was wrong. I pulled my hand closer to my body and held it against my chest, covering it with my other arm. "Let me see." He said, grabbing my wrist and pulling away from me. "What happened to your hand?" He asked, his voice dripping with concern. I frowned and pull it away from him, angry that I'd let him see it.

"It's nothing, really. I was cutting an apple, the knife slipped. So, what movie are we watching?" I asked, turning my attention to the television screen. He stared at me for awhile in silence, as if he were trying to read me or something. "What?" I asked, annoyed.

"Did you-" He paused, motioning to my arm. I crossed my arms in anger and shook my head, scooting away from him.

"First of all, no. And second of all, what I do is none of your business so can we just drop this?" I snapped, pulling my knees up to my chest. Sean looked at me for a few more seconds and nodded, grabbing the remote again.

"Yeah, you're right. It is none of my business, sorry." We sat in silence for the rest of the night until I got sick of it and left without saying a word. I could tell Sean was upset but like I had said, it wasn't any of his business. Just because he knew my secret didn't mean that he could help.


	3. When It Rains

-1"I hate you. I hate you." I repeated under my breath to myself, digging my fingernails into my wrist. My body shivered, I wasn't dressed properly to be sitting outside in the rain. It was the night after I'd left Sean's house and I hadn't gone to school at all, I knew he was probably wondering where I was but I couldn't call him. My day had been horrible, but it was getting easier, I was getting used to those kinds of days. My father had called that morning, shaking my mother and I even more. I've never seen her that drunk in my entire life, which is saying a lot. I could hear her crying from inside of the house from where I was sitting on the steps of our porch. I was drenched from head to toe but somehow my body blocked out the cold and replaced it with a numbness.

I brought my knees up to my chest and rested my head against them, coving my eyes with my hands as I started to cry. The best part about sitting in the rain was that nobody could tell that you were crying; nobody except yourself and that bothered me. Weak people cried. So many people in the world had it worse than I did at that moment, some were being killed, beaten, tortured and I was simply sitting alone in the rain. I didn't have the right to cry. My father was overseas fighting for his country and was he crying? Of course not.

I had tried calling Marco earlier when I knew that school was over, to talk to him and tell him what had happened but Mrs. Delrossi told me he was out with Dylan at a hockey game. I couldn't tell anybody else, Marco was the only one that knew about my dad being gone and my mother's condition. I hadn't exactly told him but he figured it out a few months ago and I was somewhat relieved that he could comfort me when I needed it. Lately though, he was distant, always talking about Dylan or how his father almost caught them together. I couldn't blame him though, he had his own problems to deal with, it wasn't his job to take care of mine.

"You weren't at school today, I figured something was wrong." Sean said, waking me from my thoughts. I looked up and saw him walking towards me, his hands shoved in his torn blue jeans. His white t-shirt was soaked and I realized that he had walked here. I stayed silent for awhile, unsure of what to say. After a few minutes of awkward silence, he took a seat next to me on the porch out in the rain. "You okay?" He asked cautiously, obviously not wanting to set me off like he had the previous night.

"Yep." I said softly, nodding. I ran a hand over my cheek to remove some of the water and realized that my mascara or eyeliner was running down my face in black streaks. "Great, so much for waterproof makeup." I muttered, shaking my head.

"I always wondered if that stuff actually worked." Sean said lightly, trying to crack a joke. I tried to force a smile and rested my head against my knees once again, hiding my face. "So, do you do this often? Sit out in the rain alone?" He asked, scooting a little closer to me. I raised my head just enough to make eye contact with him for a few seconds.

"You shouldn't be here." I said, not answering him.

"Do you want to break up?" He suddenly asked, shocking me. I sat up straighter, giving him my full attention. "I mean, I don't or anything but if you're not into it I don't want you to feel obligated or anything like that. You can tell me." I stared at him, my eyes wide. Was that the message I was giving off? I buried my head again, my body shaking as cries escaped me for the first time in front of Sean. I screwed up again, only this time it was with Sean and now I was probably going to lose him too.

"I'm sorry-" I said between cries. Sean looked at me, unsure of what to do. Unsure of what I would let him do. He hesitantly pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around me. When I didn't stop him, he carefully took my arm and began pulling up my sleeve, revealing more than a dozen fresh cuts. I looked away, ashamed that I had done it yesterday and more today. He gently grabbed my chin, making me look him in the eyes.

"Why are you doing this?" His voice was softer than before. I shook my head, wishing I could tell him but I couldn't. It wasn't just one thing, and there wasn't just one answer. He sighed, obviously unsatisfied that I wasn't going to answer. "Come on, let's go inside and get you some dry clothes before you freeze." I pulled away from him, standing and starting towards the door of my house. He started to follow me but I stopped him.

"Sean, some things are just private. I don't want to get you in the middle of this, okay? So just go home, I'll see you at school tomorrow or I'll call you or something." I said softly.

"Please, Ellie, let me help. I can't go home now anyways, Tracker's got his girlfriend over and he gave me twenty bucks to leave for the night." He smiled, handing it to me. "I'll pay you twenty bucks if I can spend the night." I smiled for the first time all night.

"You make it sound like I'm some kind of hooker or something." I said, wiping my eyes. He smirked at me, shaking his head.

"Don't be silly, if you were a hooker you would be worth a hell of a lot more than twenty dollars." He joked, taking my hands in his. "Please, El?" I swallowed hard, debating if I should let him stay. I knew my mother was passed out in her room already, and I'd cleaned up so there would be no obvious evidence. I nodded, finally giving in to his request. I just hoped that I wasn't making a huge mistake by inviting him to spend the night.


	4. Let The Flames Begin

-1Authors Note: Thank you guys for the reviews! I really appreciate it, I probably wouldn't have continued writing if I hadn't gotten such nice reviews. And as a little hint, there may be some drama coming up in the near future. :o)

"Nice room, very…" Sean paused, searching for the right word, "alternative." He smiled as he eyed up the posters of various bands on my walls. "How come all of these guys wear eyeliner? You better not have some sick, twisted fantasy about me wearing eyeliner because let me tell you, it's not going to happen." He teased, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"Sean Cameron in eyeliner, now that would definitely be interesting to see." I laughed, running my fingers through my hair to undo my braids. Grabbing a pair of dry shorts and a shirt I looked at Sean expectedly. He smirked and grabbed one of my pillows and put it over his face. "No peeking either." I said, changing as quickly as I could.

"Twenty bucks and I don't even get a peek." He laughed, waiting for me to finish. I hopped on the bed next to Sean, pulling the pillow away from his eyes to let him know that I was done. "Maybe next time though, right?" He asked, hitting me lightly with the pillow.

"Don't get your hopes up, Cameron." I then realized that his clothes were still soaked and he didn't have anything to change into. "Um, let me get you something to change into. I'm sure my dad has got something in his closet that you could wear." I grabbed a shirt from my dad's closet, being sure not to wake my mother, and hurried back to my room. "Here, this one should fit."

"Thanks. Here, no peeking either." He teased, handing me the pillow he had used to cover his eyes before. I grabbed it from him and hit him over the head with it before throwing it back on the bed. I crawled under the covers and sighed with relief, it had been a long day and I was just glad that it was over. Sean soon joined me on the bed after turning the lights off. I smiled as he grabbed one of my hands and laced his fingers through mine. "I owe you for letting me stay tonight." He said softly, pulling off his hat that he always wore.

"I think that you've got that backwards; I'd still be sitting out in the rain if you hadn't showed up." This was the honest truth, I probably would have stayed out there all night if Sean hadn't shown up.

"So, why were you out there in the first place? Why didn't you come to school today? I mean, I'm all for skipping but usually there's a reason." He said, running his finger over the healing cut on my hand. I rolled my eyes, he just had to go and ruin the moment. I pulled my hand away from his and turned over so I was no longer facing him.

"Why is the sky blue, Sean? It just is, okay? Now I'm really tired and I really don't feel like talking about this so again can we just drop this?" I heard him sigh heavily but I knew he was giving in to my request. I felt him wrap his arms around my waist and I blushed a little as our near bare legs brushed against one another. I turned back to face him, giving him an appreciative smile. He returned the smile, brushing some of my hair behind my ear before taking my hand in his again and this time I let him have it.

"I think we should do this more often." I nodded in agreement and closed my eyes, taking in everything. This was the best that I had felt in a long, long time. I never knew that I could feel this good, but when I was with him everything else seems to disappear and I was actually happy. I'd never felt this way about anybody before, but I liked it. It finally felt like somebody else needed me too. We fell asleep together, Sean's arms wrapped protectively around my body…


	5. All We Know Is Falling

-1Authors Note: Sorry, this chapter may be a bit over-angst-y even though that isn't a word. Oh well, I'll try and tone it down a bit in the future.

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It was a rude awakening, pain ran threw my entire body as I hit the floor. I looked up to see my mother standing over me, a look of disbelief on her face and a vodka bottle in her hand. My heart pounded as I looked from her to Sean who just was waking up from the commotion. "Mom," I started, rubbing my sore arm.

"Eleanor, what in the hell is going on?" She yelled, grabbing me from the floor that she'd just thrown me on. Sean looked at me, clearly shocked and unsure of what to do. He stood up and I slapped my forehead with the palm of my hand at the fact that he was standing there in nothing more than his boxers and the t-shirt that I'd given him. "Were you guys sleeping together?"

"What? No, of course not! Well, I mean we were sleeping but we didn't- Sean needed a place to stay and-No!" I stuttered, backing away from her. When my mother got into one of her drunken rages, it was always best to stay away from her and let her cool down on her own. "Mom, I swear that we would never-"

"Get the hell out of my house." She slurred, ignoring me and turning her attention towards Sean. He grabbed his pants off of the floor and put them on as quickly as he could before looking to me to see if he should really leave. I shrugged unknowingly. "Are you deaf? I think I just told you to get out." She started towards Sean and I knew I needed to stop her before she did anything stupid.

"Mom, calm down!" I said, grabbing her arm and pulling her back. I looked her up and down quickly, unable to remain unembarrassed that Sean was seeing my mother for the first time like this. Her clothes were wrinkled from passing out in them earlier, her hair was unwashed and wild and she smelled of vodka and vomit. She turned back towards me, obviously shocked that I had attempted to intervene.

"Calm down?" She repeated me, turning her back on Sean and focusing fully on me. I swallowed hard, wishing I had told Sean he had to find somewhere else to stay. He was going to know everything now, absolutely everything that I had been hiding. "Don't you dare tell me to calm down." That's when it happened, she actually slapped me. I put a hand up to my burning cheek and stared at her in disbelief and anger. "You're only sixteen and you're already sleeping with some boy?"

"Hey! She told you that were weren't doing anything." Sean yelled, speaking for the first time as he stepped in between my mother and I. His fists were clenched in anger and I could tell he was beginning to lose his temper.

"Sean, just go!" I said, beginning to panic. I knew that he had anger issues and he wasn't going to make the situation any better by yelling at her. The last thing that I needed was for them to fight. He looked at me surprised that I was telling him to leave. "Just go." I repeated softly, grabbing for a rubber band on my wrist but unfortunately there wasn't one there. He just stood there for a few seconds, as if he wasn't going to leave but finally grabbed his wet t-shirt from the floor and left, slamming the door behind him in anger.

"You're pathetic." She said, shaking her head at me. "I told you that men aren't worth the trouble, they'll leave you in the end." I watched her hurry out of the room towards the bathroom but she didn't make it, and the contents of her stomach ended up on the floor. "Eleanor, I need your help." She called, as if nothing had just happened. I sighed and helped her up off of the floor and to the couch and headed back towards the bathroom to clean up the mess.

After finishing, I headed back to my room and collapsed on my bed with a rubber band in my hand. I snapped it furiously, admiring the red welts that it was making on my pale skin. Why couldn't I just have one normal day? Why did everything always get so fucked up? Sean knew now, he knew that my family was just as messed up as I was. I jumped a little as the rubber band around my wrist broke, I had pulled it too far. I groaned and sat up, running my fingers over the welts and contemplated whether I wanted to cut or not. I stood and opened the drawer of my desk, seeing scissors and rubber bands. I clenched my jaw and grabbed a handful of rubber bands before slamming the drawer shut. I wasn't going to let myself cut…I broke every single rubber band that night.


	6. Hallelujah

-1"And she actually thought that you guys had done something?" Marco asked, his jaw dropping in shock as he took a bite of his lasagna. I moved the food on my plate back and forth with my fork as I nodded solemnly. "And you guys haven't talked since he left your house yesterday? What are you going to say to him? You've gotta tell him everything, El." He said, obviously concerned. I had to admit, it felt good to actually talk to Marco again. I had interrupted his and Dylan's lunch and told him I needed to talk, and of course he knew it had to be serious so he agreed to eat lunch with me.

"I don't know what I'm going to say, Marco. How am I supposed to tell him? I can't just be like, hey Sean, sorry for not warning you that my mom is a psycho alcoholic. Sorry that I didn't tell you that she didn't even know that I had a boyfriend. Sorry for-"

"Practicing?" I froze, dropping my fork on my tray. Marco looked up from his own plate to see who had joined the conversation and gave me a sympathetic look, confirming the fact that Sean Cameron was standing right behind me. "Uh, Marco, do you think that you could give us some privacy?" Sean asked, sitting across from me in Marco's spot. Marco just nodded and hurried away, he had never been one that was good with conflict. I assumed he didn't want to be around if we started fighting. "So, Emma would be pretty pissed if she saw you eating that food. She's protesting the cafeteria food again, you'd better watch out." He joked, but I didn't even crack a smile.

"Sean, why don't we just get this over with. I screwed up, I'm sorry, have a good life." I said, getting up and throwing my untouched food away. I'd been too into telling Marco everything that I hadn't bothered to eat anything, and now seeing Sean had made me lose my appetite.

"So that's it? You're saying sorry and giving up?" He asked, following me out of the cafeteria and into the hallway. I angrily did my combination and messed it up, adding even more to my frustration. I kicked it and crossed my arms over my chest, leaning against it. "It's just…why didn't you tell me about your mom? I didn't even know and I guess seeing her like that…" He stopped, kicking at the floor. "I just wish you would have told me. I'm sorry for acting kind of crazy yesterday."

"Well how was I supposed to tell you, Sean? Hi, I'm Ellie Nash and my mother is an alcoholic. Oh yeah sure I'll be your girlfriend but I'm not going to tell my mom or she'd go completely psycho!" I said sarcastically, turning back to my locker to redo the combination. This time I got it and rummaged through my entire locker until I finally found a rubber band. I quickly slid it onto my wrist and snapped it a few times, wincing as it made contact with my bruised wrist. I'd really done a number on it last night; who knew rubber bands could do so much damage?

"No, you didn't have to tell me like that but…I don't know. It's just I know what you're going through, I've been there before." He admitted, throwing me a concerned look because I was snapping my rubber band again. I looked up at him and noticed he had shoved his hands into his pockets, a sure signal that he was uncomfortable. My mouth dropped in shock a little, but I tried to pull myself together.

"You mean, your mom was a-" I started, unable to finish. "God, I am such an idiot; I had no idea." I said, rubbing the back of my neck nervously. He put his hand up to stop me from apologizing.

"And that is why I don't tell people, I don't want sympathy. Why do you think I came to Degrassi in the first place? Tracker and I live alone, my parents are still alcoholics and we didn't want to live with it anymore." He said, leaning against the locker next to mine. "So trust me, I know what it's like to be embarrassed. I know what it's like to not want to tell people but just remember, I know what you're going through."

"So, does this mean you're not mad?" I asked, somewhat hopeful. He shook his head and my smile quickly turned into a frown. How could he still be mad at me after he just got done telling me he knew what I was going through? Talk about a walking contradiction. I shot him a confused look as he grabbed my hand in his, looking at me seriously.

"I'm mad that you let her treat you like shit. Do you always let people walk all over you like that? I mean, she hit you and you acted like it didn't even matter. You just stood there and took it, Ellie. You've gotta stand up for yourself once and awhile, ya know?" He said, examining the side of my face where my mother had taken her anger out on me. I sighed and pushed his hands away from me.

"Sean, you can't blame her for what she does when she's drunk. And don't even try to tell me that I didn't ask for it by getting in her face like I did." I paused, feeling bad for fighting with him when obviously, he was just trying to help. "Okay, look I don't want to argue about this so let's just drop it for now." I said, lacing my fingers through his. "How about I make it up to you, I'll come over tonight for a study session. I'll tell my mom I'm studying at Ashley's, it'll work."

"There is one problem though, I don't study." He said, smirking at me. I laughed and pushed him gently against the lockers behind us. He raised and eyebrow, obviously enjoying how close our bodies were.

"Neither do I." I said, leaning in for a kiss. Our lips were centimeters away from touching when the lunch bell rang, signaling that lunch had ended. Kids and teachers filed out into the hallway everywhere, I pulled away from Sean blushing. "We'll continue our study session later." I whispered, grabbing my stuff for Chemistry and slowly walking away with my head held somewhat higher. My day was going a lot better than I had expected it to.


	7. Fences

-1Author's Note: Thanks so much for your reviews! I know I don't usually write more than one chapter a night but I'm just itching to write more right now to get my mind off of things so hopefully it's still good. Oh and Sean may seem a bit OOC but hey, I wanted to write him like this so oh well. This is just how I imagine him when he's not trying to be all tough and bad-boy. :o) ------------------------------------

"I'm here to study, as promised." I smiled as Sean let me in his house. He grinned too, pulling me closer to him as we made our way to the couch. "As far as the rest of the world knows, I'm studying at Ashley's right now."

"Oh yeah, and what are you studying?" He asked, pulling me down on the couch with him. I leaned in and brushed my lips against his and moved to his ear, whispering in it.

"Math…You plus me equals-" We leaned in at the same time, sharing a long kiss, almost too long.

"Hey, Sean, oh!" Tracker said, stopping dead in his tracks when he saw us kissing on the couch together. I blushed again and slid away from Sean to the other side of the couch.

"Always equals interruptions." I finished, feeling completely embarrassed that Tracker had caught us making out. Sean shot him a glare and ran a hand through his messy hair, obviously irritated. "Hi Tracker." I said, trying to act as if nothing had happened.

"Hey Ellie, uh I just wanted to tell you guys I was going out for the night but now I'm not so sure I should. You guys may need some supervision the way it looks." He laughed, making me turn an even deeper shade of red. Sean rolled his eyes and motioned for him to get out.

"Sorry, El. Just when we're getting somewhere something has to happen to distract us." He whined, pulling me back in his lap. I laughed and went in to continue our kiss once I knew that Tracker had left for the night. After a few minutes, we separated out of breath. "I'm hungry." He said, getting up and heading towards the kitchen.

"Uh, should I take that as a compliment or an insult?" I asked, following him to the kitchen. He rummaged through the cupboards but came up empty-handed. His face suddenly lit up as if he had a great idea and he opened the fridge, pulling out a box of leftover pizza and a carton of chocolate milk. "Pizza and chocolate milk?" I asked, making a face.

"Hey, chocolate milk goes with everything!" He laughed, leading me back out to the couch. "I hope you like sausage, it's mine and Tracker's favorite." He said, handing me a piece of cold pizza. I nodded, sausage was my favorite as well. After a few seconds, he grabbed the carton of milk and I realized he hadn't grabbed any glasses for us. I looked at him in awe as he opened the carton and drank straight from it. After a few seconds he set it down, noticing that I was staring at him. "What?"

"You just drank out of there. No glass?" I asked, trying not to laugh at his milk mustache. He looked back at me in shock.

"You are telling me you've never drank straight from the carton?" He asked, laughing at me. I crossed my arms over my chest, trying not to laugh as I shook my head. "Here, you've gotta try it. Live on the edge, El." He teased, handing me the carton of chocolate milk. I gave him a disgusted face but couldn't refuse his puppy dog eyes. I held it up to my lips but couldn't stop laughing at how ridiculously crazy we were being. "Come on, just do it!" He laughed, tipping it up for me. I got a half of a swallow in my mouth and the rest ran down my face and soaked my shirt.

"Sean!" I yelled, trying my hardest to stop laughing. He shook his head, grabbing the carton back from me and setting it down on the table next to the pizza box. He grabbed a towel and wiped my chocolate mustache-well, more like a waterfall-off of my face. I laughed and grabbed it from him, trying to dry my now-stained shirt. "So much for living on the edge."

"Hey, it just means you need some practice." He teased, taking a bite of his pizza. I laid down on the couch, my head on his lap as I started on my second pizza slice. Sean ran his hand through my hair, and it was soothing. I didn't know why, but guys always had a thing for my hair. They always said they loved the way it felt and the way that it smelled but I couldn't tell a difference between my and anybody else's hair besides the wild shade of auburn that it was.

"Sean, you know my deep, dark secret now. Actually you know more than one, so why don't I know any of your secrets?" I asked, looking up at him. He shrugged, finishing his pizza.

"I don't know, I guess I didn't think you were that interested." I looked at him expectantly, hoping that he would continue. "If I tell you mine, will you tell me yours?" He asked, looking a bit skeptical of telling me.

"You already know my worst secret." I lied, fidgeting a little. He must have picked up on it right away because he just sat here, staring at me as if he didn't believe me. I rolled my eyes and sighed, nodding. "Fine, if you tell me yours I will tell you mine, okay? Fair enough?" He nodded, but still looked uncomfortable.

"You know, I don't know why I'm telling you this, I haven't told anybody at Degrassi this…" He paused, making me want to know more. I sat up, looking him in the eyes as I tried to figure out his secret. "So back in Wasega, I was kind of the rebel at my school." He started, scratching his head.

"Surprise surprise, Sean Cameron the rebel?" I said, trying to lighten the mood and relax him a little. He laughed a little but then got serious again.

"Well I got into this fight with a kid in my grade, his name was Tyler. He was really getting to me, he was saying stuff about my family and shit and before I knew it we were throwing punches. I guess it went a little too far, because I-" He stopped, beginning to tap his fingers on his lap. "And then I made him deaf in one ear." I looked at him in shock, he was obviously serious about this.

"Yeah, but I mean it wasn't your fault or anything. I mean, he was talking about your family…you had to do something, right?" I stuttered, wringing my hands nervously. He shook his head, putting his feet up on the coffee table in front of him.

"That doesn't give me the right to make somebody deaf in one ear, El." He said softly. I mentally kicked myself for even bringing this subject up, boy did I know how to ruin a night? This was the first time in my life that I had ever seen a guy so vulnerable and the fact that this guy was Sean was even more bizarre. I could have sworn I saw a tear in his eye, but no, it had to be the lights reflecting off of them. Sean wouldn't be that vulnerable, especially in front of someone. "Okay, well there you go. Now spill yours, Nash." He said, trying to give me a small smile.

"I already told you mine." I repeated again, shifting uncomfortably. When I made the deal with Sean I hadn't actually thought he'd spill something so personal. I thought he'd say something about him stealing or maybe going to prison once for toilet papering a house…but not that kind of a secret. I groaned softly when he looked at me expectantly, wanting me to give him mine. "Fine, but if you tell anybody this… and you have to promise me that you won't treat me any differently." I said, trying to warn him.

"Yeah, of course. You know I won't judge you, I don't care what it is." He said, pulling me closer to him. I rested my head against his shoulder and took a deep breath, rolling up my left sleeve. Of course there were cuts from a few days ago but that wasn't what I was showing him. I pointed to a deep scar that ran all the way across my wrist.

"That one there, I did that before I moved here to Degrassi." I started, looking at him to try and read his expression. He nodded slowly, waiting for me to go on. "I tried to- I tried to kill myself." I sighed, it was like a weight had been lifted. "And that wasn't the first time I'd tried, I'd tried one other time with some of my mom's prescription pills but it didn't work, my dad found me passed out on the floor of my room." Tears burned my eyes and I was too ashamed to look up at Sean to see his expression. We both stayed silent for a few minutes until he cleared his throat.

"I'm glad you told me. I know it may not mean a lot to you or whatever, but it's like I can trust you more than other people, ya know?" He asked, running his fingertips up and down the scars on my arm. I smiled gently and looked up at him, nodding.

"I know the feeling." I said, sitting up and pulling down my sleeve. Why had I told him? He was the first person that I ever told about these attempts, and I mean the first. Not Marco. Not Ashley. Not Mrs. Sauvé. Nobody but Sean. I shook my head, bringing him in for a kiss. "Okay, enough studying history. Let's go back and review our math lesson." I smiled, knowing this time there would be no interruptions.


	8. CrushCrushCrush

-1Sorry it's been so long since my last post, I've been really sick with mono but I'm better now so I'll be back writing again. :o)

"Ellie, it's nice to see you again." Sauvé greeted me, inviting me in her office. I sat across from her in my usual chair. "So, how have you been? You missed your last session, any reason why?" She asked gently, grabbing her notebook and pencil. Sometimes I wondered what she wrote about me in there, I wondered if she thought I was crazy or something.

"Um, I was sick." I lied, biting my bottom lip nervously. She nodded but clearly she didn't believe me. I sighed softly and began to fiddle with the ring around my finger. "I'm sorry, I should have called or something I guess." I added, not looking up at her.

"No, it's okay I just wish I knew why you skipped our session. Lately I feel like we've been making such great progress, maybe it's scaring you? Should we go a bit slower?" She asked, she was always so considerate. That was one thing that I actually liked about these sessions. Of course I hated going but if I was going to go, I'd want a counselor like Sauvé.

"No, it's fine." I said softly. I swallowed hard, wondering what our topic would be today. The last session we had together was definitely the closest she'd come to getting me to talk. I couldn't say that I fully trusted Sauvé yet but somehow it was getting easier to talk with each time that I went. She always seemed to say the right thing at the right time.

"So, last session you told me your father was gone on a military peace-keeping mission." She said, looking at me for confirmation. I nodded my head, reaching for a rubber band just at the thought of him. I winced again as the rubber met my skin. Elastic therapy may not be as satisfying as cutting but if done repeatedly it can come in a close second. "And I see that it's still a hard topic for you to discuss right now. So what about your mother, Judy? What kind of relationship do you have with her?" She asked, checking my files on her desk for my mothers name. I snapped the rubber band harder but stayed silent, unsure of what to say. "Okay, how about I get you started. Would you say that you two are close?"

"It depends what you consider close, I guess." I said, avoiding the question. "Look, I know your just doing your job or whatever but I'm sick of talking about my family when they have nothing to do with this." I brought my knees up to my chest and rested my head on them.

"Okay, we can take a break from it for now, Ellie but I want you to know that they do have a lot to do with your self-harm. What would you feel comfortable talking about today?" She asked, setting her notebook down on her desk, giving me her full attention. I shrugged, trying to come up with something but I was blank. "I see that you have a new significant other." I was surprised that she knew, and more surprised that she actually brought it up.

"Um, yeah. How did you-" I began.

"I work in a high school, I hear and see a lot." She said, smiling. I nodded and released the grip I had around my rubber band. "So, how is the relationship going if you don't mind me asking?" I smiled, feeling a bit weird talking about my boyfriend to my school counselor.

"Well, I'd say it's going good." I laughed nervously. "It feels like Sean and I can talk about anything, and at the same time I haven't known him for very long. It's nice to feel…" I paused, searching for the right word, "wanted."

"Yes, it is good to feel wanted, Ellie." She nodded, agreeing with me. "So, you say you two can talk about anything, have you two discussed your cutting yet?"

"Actually, I showed him the first day. I don't completely know why I did, but it's nice not to have to hide it from him. We've talked about it too, I've told him things that I've never told anybody and it may sound crazy but when I feel like cutting, I think of him and it helps me stop." I smiled, looking up at her but she didn't look as happy as I was.

"Ellie, I know that you probably feel that this is a step in the right direction but it's not. Don't get me wrong, I think that you and Sean can help each other a lot but from what you are describing, it sounds like you could be starting to become dependant on him. You need to stop yourself because you don't want to cut, not because Sean wouldn't want you to. Are you understanding where I'm coming from?" She asked, scribbling something down in her notebook.

"I guess, but the other night when I let him see my cuts-" I started, but stopped when I realized what I'd just said. I looked up at Sauvé to see if she'd caught my slip-up and she definitely had. I groaned softly, shaking my head. "No, what I meant was-" I began, but it was no use, she already knew that I'd cut again.

"How bad?" She asked, pulling her chair next to mine as if she expected me to show her. I shook my head and pulled my arm closer to me, I wasn't going to let her see. My eyes shot to the clock and I realized that I only had a few more minutes left of the session.

"I have to go." I said as I hurried out the door, ignoring her calls. I smiled, feeling relieved when I saw Sean outside waiting for me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against him.

"Well, how did it go today?" He asked, taking my hands in his. I shrugged, unsure of how to answer so I pulled him into a kiss. "That good, huh?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.


	9. Emergency

-1"Mom, please just drink it." I begged, holding a glass of water up to her lips. She shook her head and pushed it away, groaning. "You're going to get dehydrated." I said, making a useless last attempt before she leaned over the toilet again. I held her hair back out of her face and waited for her to come back up. "Are you sure your going to be okay?" I asked gently, not wanting to make her headache any worse.

"I'll be fine once I get a drink, Eleanor." She snapped, trying to stand. I steadied her and helped her back to the couch the best I could. She sat down, almost missing the couch completely and started to pour herself another drink. My stomach sank, she'd been throwing up for a half-hour straight and she still wouldn't take a break from her vodka.

"Sean should be here soon, we're going to work on our assignment in my room so we don't bother you." I said as she downed her drink and began pouring another. She nodded, probably not even hearing what I had said. If it had been up to me, we would have gone to Sean's but Tracker had another date and wanted the house to himself. As if on cue, the doorbell rang. "Hey," I said, inviting him inside. He smiled but looked a bit uneasy at the fact that my mother was in the room with us, but I couldn't blame him after the showdown we had a few days earlier. "it's fine, we're just going to work in my room on that assignment." I said, hinting for him to go along with it.

"Oh, yeah that's fine, whatever." He said a little too quickly. I rolled my eyes, he definitely wasn't an actor. We hurried to my room and shut the door behind us for extra privacy. "So, she's so drunk she can't remember what happened the other day?" He asked, referring to her catching us in bed together a few days earlier.

"Sean, she can't even remember her name let alone what happened a few days ago." I said bitterly but dropped it. "So, we should start that assignment we were assigned together for." I laughed, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"Where do you come up with these kind of lies? I'm not dating a pathological liar or something am I?" He teased, leaning in for a kiss. "On second thought, I don't care what kind of liar I'm dating." He mumbled, gently pushing me back on the bed. I felt my body tense up but then relax as his hands met my bare stomach as we began to make out. His hands wandered for awhile on my stomach but eventually they met my pants and I pulled away, pushing on his chest to get him off. "Ellie, I'm sorry." He started, but I put a hand up to stop him.

"No, it's okay. It's not that I don't like it but it's just not the time. I mean, my mom is in the other room and-" I said, stumbling for the right words. It wasn't that I didn't like him but I knew that it wasn't the right time or place for it to go any further.

"It's fine, I just got a little carried away." He said, smoothing my hair. "So, you want to play cards or something? Jay's taught me a thing or two about playing poker, I could teach you. Once we played strip poker and…" He stopped, shaking his head. "Never mind, you don't want to know."

I opened my mouth to disagree but was interrupted by my mother from across the hall. "Sean, I'm sorry. I've got to check on her." I said, hurrying to the bathroom. She'd never thrown up this much after drinking, but I figured it was her drinking combined with the flu or something. "Mom, can I get you something?" I asked, wetting a washcloth and wiping the sweat off of her face with it.

"I'm so tired, Eleanor." She slurred, laying her head against the bathroom cabinet. I frowned and grabbed the glass of water from the counter from earlier and decided to try again but as usual, she refused. "Just let me sleep here." She whined, laying down on the bathroom floor. I nodded and stood, beginning to walk out but stopped when I heard her crying.

"Mom?" I asked softly, turning around to face her. I sat back down on the floor next to her and rubbed her back gently, as if that would make everything better. After a few minutes Sean walked in, checking on me. I shook me head sadly and shrugged, unsure of what to do for her. He gave me a sympathetic look before motioning towards the door.

"I'm going to go, she needs you more than I do right now. I'll talk to you tomorrow though, okay?" He asked softly. I nodded and waved a little goodbye as he left. I knew that he wished I didn't care so much when this happened, but I couldn't stop myself.

"I'm going to go and get you some pillows and a blanket, okay?" I said, deciding to let her sleep in the bathroom. When I returned, she had already fallen asleep. I sighed and covered her up, being sure not to wake her. Turning off the light, I headed back to the living room to clean up the mess of empty bottles and cigarettes. As much as I wanted to be mad at my mother, I couldn't be. Hearing her cry always made me feel guilty for getting upset with her.

I awoke to a crash in the middle of the night and groaned, knowing it was my mother probably searching for another bottle of alcohol. Hadn't she learned anything after a night of throwing up? I forced myself up and walked towards the noise in the kitchen. I tripped over the chair trying to find the light switch in the dark.

"Mom, come on. Do you have any idea what time it is?" I asked, flipping on the light. My heart sped up when I saw her laying on the floor not moving. "Mom, come on." I said again, kneeling down to shake her arm. "Mom?" I asked again, shaking her a little harder. Still no answer. I jumped back as she began having a seizure. I stood frozen for a few seconds, unsure of what to do. I grabbed the phone and quickly dialed 911, not knowing what else to do. As quickly as I could I rambled off my address and begged for them to hurry between cries. Waiting for the ambulance, I pulled out my cell phone and hit speed dial.

"Ugh, hello?" I heard him say, his voice barely audible. "What?" He asked, clearing his throat.

"Sean, it's me. Can you meet me at the hospital?" I cried, unable to keep my composure.

"What? Ellie are you okay? What's going on?" He asked, sounding fully awake now.

"Just meet me there, okay?" I begged, hanging up the phone.


	10. Breathe

-1I paced back and forth, ignoring the many stares from the other people sitting in the waiting room with me. "Relax." I kept repeating to myself, even though I knew that it was useless. I wasn't going to relax until I knew what was going on, until I knew that she was okay. A few doctors walked in the room, and I held my breath hoping one of them was there to talk with me, to tell me she was fine but each one walked right past me and headed to talk to the family behind me.

"Ellie!" I heard someone yell my name. I turned around to see Sean practically running toward me, obviously not caring that he was disturbing the others in the room. He hurried up to me and wrapped his arms around me tightly, squeezing me so hard that I couldn't breath. Part of me wished he wouldn't let go, he'd just squeeze me until I passed out and escaped the world for awhile. No such luck; he let me go and grabbed me by my shoulders. "Are you okay? What happened? You're okay, right?" He asked, talking so quickly I couldn't hardly understand him. I stood there, unable to answer him partly because I didn't know how to answer him. The truth was, I didn't know if I was okay and I didn't know what had happened. "Ellie, answer me!" He yelled, shaking me by my shoulders.

"Sean-" I whimpered, tears rolling down my cheeks again. I looked around the room, seeing a few people pretending not to watch us over the top of their magazines and newspapers. Sean obviously noticed we were causing a scene too because he grabbed me by my arm and led me out the door and into the lobby of the hospital. He was more calm this time, he took my hands in his and squeezed them gently.

"What's going on?" He asked softly. A few people walked in and out of the lobby, most were in groups of twos or threes. Some happy and others obviously were emotionally drained. I shook my head, trying to concentrate on Sean. He had said something else but I couldn't understand it. "You're scaring the hell out of me."

"Something happened, my mom-" I said, images of my unresponsive mother lying on the floor flashing before my eyes. I shook my head, trying to make them disappear. "She was just lying there and then-" I said, backing against the wall behind me. Sean let out a heavy sigh and took a step toward me, trying to pull me into another embrace but I pulled away from him, shaking my head. "She's going to be okay though, right?" My voice was becoming panicked and I could feel my heart start to speed up again. What if she wasn't? What if it was too late? How would I tell my father? So many questions ran through my mind at the same time, I couldn't even hear myself thinking anymore.

"Just calm down, okay? We'll figure this out, I'm sure-" He started, resting a hand on my shoulder. I pulled away from him a second time and looked at him angrily.

"No, how can you be sure of anything? I've got to get back in there." I said, hurrying back through the doors. My body trembled when a doctor met me at the doors of the waiting room. He looked at me sympathetically and motioned for me to sit down. I blinked back tears and started toward the row of chairs set up in the waiting room.

"Eleanor Nash, right?" He asked, giving me a small smile. I nodded as Sean sat down next to me, cautiously taking my hand in his. I squeezed his hand, waiting for some kind of news. "Your mother, she consumed a large amount of alcohol in a short amount of time. You said you heard her fall and then she had a seizure, it's very common for people with alcohol poisoning to experience seizures. We had to pump her stomach for precautionary measures, since you were unsure if she had taken any pills of any kind. You did the right thing, getting help though. She should be fine, but the effects of alcohol poisoning on the organs could have serious-" I stopped listening to him talking, I'd heard what I'd needed to hear. She should be fine.

"Can I see her? Is she awake?" I said quickly, not realizing I was interrupting him. He cleared his throat and shook his head slowly.

"Actually, she's asleep right now. The body will take awhile to recover from the stress of the high amounts of alcohol. We've got to keep her overnight and run some tests and such but tomorrow you should be able to visit her." He said, standing. "Do you have any other questions right now?" I thought for a second and shook my head, looking at Sean. "You might have saved her life, you know. Her blood alcohol level was dangerously high…" The doctor touched my arm reassuringly and nodded at me before leaving.

"Do you need anything? Are you hungry? I could get you something to eat, or maybe some coffee?" Sean asked standing up. Our eyes met for a few seconds and I shook my head quickly. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him towards me. He sat back down next to me and rubbed my back soothingly. "Ellie, you heard him. You might have saved her life." He said softly.

"Then why do I feel so awful? Why didn't I realize there was something wrong? I mean, the signs were there and I just ignored them." I said softly into Sean's chest. He shook his head, grabbing me by the shoulders again and looking me in the eyes.

"It's not you're fault. You know it's not." He said, pulling me back into him. I curled up on the chair next to him in the waiting room and laid my head on his lap, letting him try to comfort me. Within minutes, I felt sleep closing in on me and I allowed myself to fall into a world far from the hell that I was currently in.


	11. Brighter

-1I woke up the next morning and saw Sean sitting next to me, his arm around me protectively and a cup of coffee in his hand. He smiled at me and brushed my hair back out of my eyes. "Hey." I said, clearing my throat. I sat up a little and smoothed my hair before accepting a cup of coffee from Sean. He looked at me sadly and took my hand in his. "What's wrong?" I asked, taking a sip of the hot coffee. It was black, just like I liked it.

"Nothing, I'm just worried about you. Did you sleep okay? I mean, I'm sure sleeping in a chair isn't exactly comfortable-" he rambled, scratching the back of his neck. I gave his hand a light squeeze and leaned in to give him a small kiss.

"You don't have to worry about me." I said, sighing when I saw the skeptical look on his face. "I'm serious, I'll be fine. I just really want to see her." He nodded slowly and pulled me against him. "I didn't even-" I paused, "you know."

"Good, but are you sure you're ready to see her? She's going to probably be.. I don't know, I just know it's going to be hard." He admitted, showing a bit of vulnerability. I knew that he'd been through this dozens of times with his own parents, and it made me feel terrible.

"Sean, I'm sorry." I said softly, leaning my head against his shoulder. "This must be hard for you, after everything with your parents. If you want to go, it's fine. I'm just going to go in and make sure she's okay, then I'm going to hopefully get her home and settled in. I can call you later, okay?" I said, taking another sip of coffee.

"Ellie, it's in the past. I would never leave you to deal with this on your own. I just understand what you're going through, alright?" He smiled. I returned the smile and stood, offering him a hand to help him stand. He accepted it and followed me to the front desk.

"Excuse me, um, I was just wondering if I could go in yet?" I said hopefully to the receptionist. She'd been so nice to us the previous night, she woke us and offered us a more comfortable place to sleep but we kindly refused, deciding we wanted to stay together. The woman looked up at me and smiled her gentle smile.

"Yes, I'm sure that would be fine if you went in now." She said, pointing down the hall. "Room 233, it's down the hall to the left." I nodded a quick thank you and started down the hall, Sean following close behind.

"Do you want me to come in or would you rather have some alone time with her?" Sean asked once we reached the room. I bit my lip, trying to decide what would be best. I wanted to go in alone, but I didn't want to have to face her without someone there to back me up. "Go, you'll be fine." He said, as if reading my mind. I sighed but nodded and gently knocked on the door of her room. There was no answer so I slowly opened the door and slipped in quietly.

"Mom?" I asked, surprised to see her up out of bed. She looked at me briefly and went back to what she was doing, she looked like she was getting ready. "What are you doing? Shouldn't you be in bed?" I asked, taking a seat on the edge of her bed. She shook her head and massaged her temples slowly.

"Nope, the doctor said I can go home, Eleanor." She said. I was taken back by the normalness of her voice, there was no sign of a slur at all which was different. I smiled a little and stood, walking over to where she was standing. "What?" She asked.

"I was so scared," I started but was interrupted with a long sigh. She shook her head at me and muttered something under her breath. I cocked my head to the side, trying to figure out what she'd said. "Huh?" I asked.

"I said why are you making this worse for me? I mean, haven't I suffered enough since last night? Why do you always insist on making me feel guilty?" I raised an eyebrow, wondering if she was serious. She was making this out to be all about her, again. "We're going home, okay?" She slipped her shoes on and ran a hand through her hair once more before laying a hand on the doorknob of her room to open it. It wasn't until then that I saw how badly her hands were shaking.

"Mom, you're shaking." I pointed out nervously. She looked down at her hands and shrugged, opening the door. Sean shot me an utterly confused look as I followed her out of her room. We'd heard she might be able to go home today but we didn't realize it would be so soon. "I guess she's been released." I said, watching her walking toward the main desk. We followed her, hand in hand. The sweet lady looked up at us and handed my mother the sheet to sign.

"Here are your prescriptions, be sure to read over the directions carefully and if you have any questions, our number is there on the paperwork." She said, pointing to the bottom of the paper as she handed it to my mom. My mother nodded and grabbed it from her, seeming to not even to listen to her.

"Do you have money for a cab?" She asked me, holding out her hand expectantly. I frowned and shook my head, money hadn't been the first thing that popped into my head last night while waiting for the ambulance. Sean dug his hand in his pocket and handed her some money, more than enough for a cab. "What is this?" She asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Uh, money for a cab. It's no big deal, really just keep it." He stuttered, looking at me nervously. After a few seconds of awkward silence my mother nodded slowly and walked out the doors of the hospital. "You sure you're going to be okay? Just be careful. If you want I could-" He started but I put a hand up to stop him.

"No, really I'll be fine. Thank you so much, Sean. I owe you for everything." I said, kissing him lightly. He smiled and nodded as I hurried to catch up to my mother. The entire ride home was both silent and awkward, and I was so grateful when we finally arrived home.


	12. Born For This

-1"Home sweet home." My mother muttered under her breath, shaking her head. I noticed her hands were still visibly shaking as she took a seat on the edge of the couch, if I had to guess it was from not having alcohol in her system. I frowned and sat next to her, biting my lip so hard I thought it would start to bleed. After a few minutes of staring at nothing, she let a few tears slip down her cheeks. I hesitantly touched her arm, unsure of how to react. She pulled away and laid back on the couch. "I can't do this anymore." She said, covering her face with her trembling hands. Then there was nothing, no noise from her or I.

"Do you need something? I could get you something to eat or something to drink and you should take your pills before you forget…" I realized I was beginning to ramble on but anything was better than the silence between us. "I'll get you some water to take them with, okay?" I said gently and hurried to the kitchen, trying to ignore the many bottles on the counter. I stepped over the shattered bottle that my mother had just when she fell the previous night. When I returned, she still hadn't moved from the spot I'd left her in. "Mom, you've got to take these. It says on the bottle you should take two every three hours. Just don't take any aspirin or other medication with it, alright?" I said, handing her the pills and the glass of water. She swallowed the pills obediently but otherwise ignored my presence completely. "I guess I should call Sean, do you need anything else?" I asked, but was answered with more silence. I sighed and nodded, grabbing the phone before heading for my room.

"Hello?" Sean's voice immediately made me smile.

"Hey Sean." I said, lying down on my bed and staring at the tiny bumps in my ceiling. Some of the paint was chipping and I wondered when the last time we painted was. When we'd decided to paint my room red, my mother threw a fit. She begged me over and over to let her paint it pink but my dad gave in to my request for red. "I have a feeling I won't be at school tomorrow. You'll have to suffer without me." I said, playing with a strand of my hair.

"Why? Is everything alright?" He asked, concerned. I nodded but realized he couldn't see me. Everything wasn't alright, but at the same time it could be so much worse. After last night, I realized just how worse everything could be. I may not completely understand my mother, but without her I'm nothing.

"No, I'm fine. My mom's still kind of…out of it I guess. It's hard, she's not talking or anything. We came home and she's just kind of sitting there. She told me she can't do this anymore, maybe it's a sign she's going to stop?" I said even though I knew I was getting my hopes up. She'd told my father and I a million and one times that she would stop, that she couldn't do it anymore but it never did stop. Sure, she had her moments when she stopped cold turkey but it always came back, and every time it seemed to come back with a vengeance.

"Yeah, I guess…" He said, clearly he was unsure whether to be blunt with me and tell me I was crazy for believing her or whether to be supportive and agree that she'd probably stop drinking. "So you didn't talk about what happened or anything?" He asked. I could hear a bag rustling through the phone and I pondered what he was eating. The thought made my stomach growl, I hadn't eaten since lunch the previous day. I sighed and headed for the kitchen, opening the fridge to search for something, for anything to eat.

"No, we didn't. Ugh, I'm starving, Sean. Got any suggestions for me?" I asked, shutting the fridge and opening the cupboard. My eyes lit up when I spotted a bag of pretzels buried under some other things. Jackpot, I thought.

"Yeah, here is a suggestion…eat something." He laughed, trying to lighten the mood. I could just picture his lopsided grin as he said this. Rolling my eyes, I opened the bag and sucked on a pretzel. Not the most healthy meal, but if it were up to me pretzels would be one of the major food groups.

"Very funny, smartass." I said, opening the fridge once again to grab the juice. I struggled to balance the phone between my shoulder and my ear while trying to pour the juice in a small glass. I dropped the contained and groaned as juice spilled everywhere. "Shit, I've got to go. I just spilled juice everywhere. I'll call you later, I've gotta get this cleaned up." I said quickly, hanging up before he could say another word. I cursed at myself and grabbed a towel to soak it up with. After finishing cleaning up the sticky mess, I grabbed my pretzel bag and began to walk back to my room. I froze as I walked into the living room.

"Mom-" I took in a shaky breath, trying to calm my anger. I tried to remember all of those stupid tricks that Sauvé had taught me about controlling my anger. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. I counted slowly to myself. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. I looked back up and realized my anger hadn't subsided. "Mom!" I yelled, throwing the stupid fucking pretzel bag at the floor. Pretzels flew everywhere but I ignored it and stormed over to the couch where my mother was seated at still.

"What?" She said calmly, as if nothing was wrong. I clenched my jaw shut, knowing if I didn't I'd let out a horribly loud scream. I watched her bring the bottle up to her lips and take a long drink, acting as if I weren't there.

"What the fuck are you doing!?" I screamed, clenching my fists. She finally looked up at me, looking somewhat surprised by my sudden outburst. The room began to feel like it was spinning, and I grabbed onto the arm of the couch to steady myself. "Well?" I yelled, waiting for a response.

"Well, watch your mouth." She answered, taking another drink of vodka. Her voice had the ever-so-familiar slur in it. I looked at her in disbelief and began laughing. I actually began to laugh. Had her memory been completely erased? Had she developed a sudden case of damn amnesia? She looked at me confused for a second but shrugged and turned the television on.

"I cannot believe this. I can't fucking believe this!" I said, shaking my head. "First of all, have you completely blocked out what happened last night? Second of all, you can't mix your prescription pills with damn vodka, mom!" I screamed, tears stinging my eyes. "Why do you keep doing this?" I asked loudly, choking back the tears. "Why do you keep doing it to me?" I said softer. She looked up at me and smiled.

"Because, Eleanor, this is what I do. This is the only thing I can do." She said, not looking at me. I watched her sit there, silent as she flipped through channel after channel on the television. She kept drinking her vodka as if nothing I'd said fazed her a bit. "Can't you go and do something?" She asked, again not looking at me. My mouth dropped in disgust, she expected me to leave her alone so that she could drink and pass out again.

"Yeah, I can do something." I said angrily, grabbing the bottle from her. She finally looked at me for the first time in a long time and grabbed for the bottle back. I pulled away harshly and stormed towards the kitchen, knowing exactly what I was going to do. I headed towards the sink and tipped the bottle upside down, letting the vodka pour down the drain. My mother burst through the door a second later, evidently horrified at what I was doing.

"Stop it!" She yelled, trying to grab the bottle away from me. I fought it away from her and managed to pour the remainder of it down the drain before she finally got it away from me. "Damn it, Eleanor!" She screamed, throwing the empty bottle at the wall. I jumped a little as it shattered against the wall behind me. "What the hell is wrong with you?" She slurred, opening the liquor cabinet and desperately searching for another bottle. When she found one she quickly cracked it open and took a drink.

"What's wrong with me? God, Mom, what the hell is wrong with you?!" I cried, grabbing for the new bottle of booze in her hand. "No wonder Dad left!" I screamed, breaking every rule in the Nash-house rules. I'd mentioned my father and I blamed my mom for something. She looked at me in disbelief and grabbed my arm, pulling me towards her.

"What did you just say?" She asked. I wrinkled my nose at the smell of vodka on her breath and pulled away from her. I swallowed hard, but knew that I wasn't going to back down. This was the final straw, I couldn't take any more. It felt as if something inside me had snapped.

"I said Dad left because of you and your stupid drinking!" I said angrily. I fell to the floor as her hand met the left side of my face. For a second I sat there in shock but after awhile I recovered and stood. "What Mom? Can't you handle it?" I yelled, touching my burning cheek. "Why don't you crack open another bottle? Oh wait, you already did!" She angrily shoved me against the wall behind me.

"Don't you ever talk to me like that again." She said, but I was far from through with her. "Do you hear me?" She asked, roughly grabbing my arm. I pulled out of her grasp and glared at her.

"Or what, Mom? Suddenly you want to start acting like my mother? Why don't you just go pass out again and let me have to take care of you?" I felt tears starting to fall and I decided to ignore them. I knew it would give her satisfaction to see me cry, but I didn't care. "I'm sick of being the Mom!"

"You have no idea how much pain I feel, losing my husband. You don't know what it is like to struggle day after day with an addiction, Eleanor. So until you go what I'm going through, keep your mouth shut. You don't understand." She yelled, grabbing my arm again. I struggled to escape from her grasp again but before I could I was thrown against the table next to me. I groaned as I sank to the floor, pain running through my stomach.

"I don't understand pain? I don't know what it's like to struggle with an addiction?" I cried, yanking my sleeve up to practically my shoulder. I heard my mother gasp a little, her eyes landing on my badly scarred arm and the somewhat fresh cuts from a few nights ago. I looked up at her, waiting for her to say something. A small part of me thought this could be the end of the fight, that she'd suddenly wake up and realize what her drinking was doing to me.

"You can't possibly blame me for whatever this is. Is this another cry for attention, Eleanor? Because I'm sick and tired of putting up with this." I looked at her in awe. There really was no way out of it. No matter what happened, she'd find a way to put herself first.

"Well I guess I'll just leave then, if you are so sick and tired of putting up with me!" I yelled, painfully standing. She crossed her arms over her chest defensively. Ignoring her, I hurried to my room and began grabbing some of my important things and throwing them in my duffle bag. After awhile, I saw my mother standing in the doorway of my room.

"And where do you think you'll go?" She asked, as if nobody wanted me. I smirked at her and finished packing the last of my clothing. Before I closed the bag though, I grabbed the picture of my father and I from my nightstand and shoved it in the bag.

"I'm going to Sean's, to stay with someone who actually cares about me." I said, my voice softer than what I thought it was going to be. She shook her head at me, smirking. I brushed past her and headed for the front door, knowing that there was really no turning back.

"Fine, but don't come crawling back to me when he kicks you out. Maybe he'll borrow you a knife and he can understand your cries for attention." She said, but I could tell she immediately felt regret. It was the alcohol talking again though, I knew it wasn't my mother.

"Bye Mom." I said softly, closing the door behind me.


	13. My Heart

-1I looked up at him, tears streaming down my face. My mouth was open, as if I wanted to say something but I couldn't. He immediately pulled me inside, concerned plastered across his face. I dropped my bag on the floor in front of him, and he shot me a confused look. Tracker, who was sitting a few feet away from us looked up and took the hint that he should leave. After he walked out, Sean dragged me over to the couch and sat next to me.

"El-" He started, but didn't go anywhere with it. I grabbed my duffle bag that I'd carried with me and opened it, dumping the contents of it onto the floor between us. Sean looked at me, confused but sat in silence as I dug through the pile of stuff. When I found what I was looking for, I wrapped my hand around it tightly and handed it to him. "You didn't-" He held his head in his hands, obviously unsure of what to do or what to say. I touched his leg and shook me head, still not able to say anything.

"I'm scared." I finally said, sliding off of the couch and onto my knees. He bit his lip and knelt down next to me on the floor, touching my arm gently. Letting out a long and shaky breath, I decided to continue. "I feel like I'm going to do it." My voice was scratchy, I wasn't used to screaming and yelling so much in one night.

"You don't have to cut, okay? I'm right here, talk to me. Tell me what's going on." He said, taking my hand in his. I frowned and shook my head, he hadn't understood what I meant. Nervously, I looked away and let a few more tears fall. Sean set the razorblade down on the table in front of him, far away from me.

"No, I'm not talking about that." I admitted. This was the first time I ever even considered telling someone about how I felt at times like these. He scratched his head, carefully lacing his fingers through mine. "I mean…" I paused, this definitely wasn't an easy thing to do. "I don't think I can take it anymore. I don't think I can hang on any longer, Sean. I'm trying- God, I'm trying but a part of me just wants to end it." I felt myself completely breaking down. "I want this to be the last night that I feel like this."

There was a long, long silence between us but surprisingly, I didn't mind it. The silence was a nice break from all of the yelling I'd just done. After awhile, I looked over at Sean and saw him hiding his face from me. Somehow, I knew what he was hiding. I cried harder, squeezing his hand; he had tears in his eyes. We sat there in the middle of his living room for what was close to an hour, not saying anything.

"You can't do it." Sean finally said, making eye contact with me. "I need you." I smiled a little, it wasn't very often that I heard someone say that to me. "I don't care what I have to do, but I can't let you do it. Tell me what I have to do, I'll do it." He begged, resting his head back on the couch. I contemplated it for awhile before answering.

"Tell me I'll never be like her. Tell me that I'm different." I pulled my hand away from Sean and wrapped my arms around my knees. He suddenly grabbed me, pulling me towards him so I was looking at him. I jumped, not expecting him to grab me.

"You are nothing like her, you never will be, Ellie." He practically yelled. I looked at him, startled but I couldn't pull away from him, he was just doing what I asked him to do. "She may not love you, but I do, okay?" I let him pull me even closer to him and wrap his arms around me tightly.

"She knows about it, she knows about everything. I showed her my arm, and she still insisted on making it about her, Sean. Everything I try, nothing works. I want my mom back, I want the person that I knew back, the one that loved me. I keep trying but I can't make her come back." I shook my head, not understanding where I was going wrong.

"I hate her for putting you through this, and I know you want everything to go back to normal, El, but the truth is that it will never be the same. I wished so many times that my parents would come some day and be sober and we could all be a happy family again but after awhile, you've got to realize it's never going to happen. You've got to start doing things for yourself, not for others. Just because your mom gave up doesn't mean you should. You are stronger than her, even if you can't see it. I used to think that being a screw-up ran in my family, but then I learned that I'm my own person. No matter what anybody else says or does, it's up to me to take control of my life." He leaned in as he talked until he was inches away from my face. I nodded in agreement, and let him pull me into a long kiss. "Well, that was a little cheesy wasn't it?" He said, smiling as we pulled apart.

"No, it was sweet." I said honestly. "And what you said, it's true. I know it probably sounds stupid but just hearing you say that you care, it means a lot." I smiled and wrapped my arms around his neck. "I love you, I have no idea what I'd do if I didn't have you." He nodded in agreement and began playing with the carpet.

"So, do you want to tell me what happened?" He asked gently. At first I shook my head, I didn't feel like going through the whole thing again but then I eventually agreed, after all, Sean was nice enough to let me in his house and help me, so he kind of deserved to know what was going on. "It's okay, you can tell me."

"I don't know, I walked into the living room and she was there on the couch with a bottle in her hand. Sean, I don't understand. Why is she doing this? I mean, she could have died last night and she acts like it's no big deal! I guess the next thing I know I'm screaming and pouring her vodka down the drain in the kitchen." I said, frowning.

"I know it's hard to understand, but alcohol does crazy things to people, El. Wait, you poured her alcohol down the sink?" He looked at me in shock. "That was a…brave move. I take it she didn't find that amusing?" He said, shaking his head.

"That's an understatement." I smirked, nodding. "We fought some more, and then it just happened. I showed her my arm, and it didn't feel as horrible as I thought it would. Then again, her not being sober made it a little more easy." He nodded understandingly and offered me a hand and helped me off of the floor. I followed him to the kitchen and let him make me some hot chocolate.

"So, I'm assuming she freaked out when she saw your arm, then?" He asked, handing me a mug of the hot chocolate. I accepted it and wrapped my hands around the mug, warming them. Sean sat down at the kitchen table across from me, his own mug in his hand.

"Actually, it wasn't exactly what I would call freaking out. She just didn't understand it, she thought it was an attention thing or something. And I, not in the mood to explain it, said that if she was so sick of putting up with me that I'd leave. We exchanged a few more harsh words and here I am, with you. I know I can't stay here but I thought maybe I could spend a night or two until she cools down. We said some things neither of us really meant, and I think we could use a few nights apart but if not, I understand. I could probably crash at Marco's or something." I said, taking a sip of the steaming liquid.

"Don't be ridiculous, you know you can stay here whenever you need to. Hell, move in if you want to. I'm sure Tracker wouldn't mind as long as you don't mind pizza every other night." He laughed, setting his mug down on the table. I smiled and thought about it, but there was no way I could actually move in with him. I mean, what would people think? Besides, the thing with my mom was bound to blow over sooner or later. "Do you need to borrow a shirt to sleep in or anything?" He asked. I shook my head, I was happy that I'd managed to pack at least a few of my things before leaving. "If you want, you can take my bed and I'll take the couch. You look like you could use some sleep." I opened my mouth to protest but he stopped me before I could even say anything. "Don't argue, it's fine." I laughed and shook my head at him.

"I wasn't going to argue. I was going to say, maybe we could share your bed? I don't mean like, you know… Just sleeping in the same bed is all." I said, smiling when Sean seemed to light up at the thought. "Hey, easy there. I said just sleeping in the same bed, nothing else."

"I like that idea, I like it a lot." He smiled. I nodded, I figured he would like the idea of us in bed together again. I quickly finished my hot chocolate and followed Sean to his room. Without hesitation, I began to change into my pajamas. For some reason, I didn't mind so much that Sean was in the room with me this time. "When you said you fought, I didn't know you meant you actually fought." Sean pointed out as I lifted my shirt off. I looked at him confused and then looked down, seeing a bruise forming on my abdomen from when I'd hit the table. "Ellie…" He said, looking at me seriously.

"Sean, I swear it's not like it's happened before. Seriously, it's not a big deal. We both lost our temper, it was stupid. But like I said, it's the first time and it won't happen again." I said calmly, wishing he hadn't seen. Sometimes little things began to be blown out of proportion and I didn't want this to be one of those things.

"I don't want you going back there, El. I'm serious about the moving in thing. We could make it work, I swear. Tracker likes you a hell of a lot more than Emma, and he's only met you a few times. Please, just think about it." He begged, resting his hands on my near bare shoulders. I nodded a little and turned away from him, slipping my bra off and putting on a long sleeved shirt and a pair of shorts to sleep in.

"Sean, I know you're just trying to help but I seriously don't think that my mother or Tracker would approve of me living here. I would if I could, but I just don't think it would work. Besides, leaving my mom alone all of the time might be kind of…hard." I admitted, crawling in the bed next to him.

"Just think about it before you answer, okay?" He said, wrapping his arms around me. I smiled and nodded, wondering what it would be like to live away from home. I knew it wouldn't work, but it was nice to think about it. Come home every night and not having to worry if I'm going to have to see anybody passed out or having to clean up after anybody. "I love you, El." I heard him whisper as I fell asleep, thoughts of me living with Sean still running through my head.


End file.
